Much has been suggested about reigniting the spark in a woman’s sex life after marriage, kids and/or divorce have had their way with us. Coaches, potions, and seminars promise to save libidos, rekindle the sexual fire, or restore a woman to herself, but what if the fire was never there to begin with? The truth is that later in life we can be presented with the opportunity to discover our authentic sexual selves, in ways that are completely new, that we may only have imagined.
Among clients and friends, I’ve encountered too many women that have either never had an orgasm, or if they have, don’t generally understand what the fuss of sex is about. While statistics can bear out the former, it’s harder to measure the numbers of women who simply “took their marbles and went home” in the sexual arena, by either choosing a life of celibacy, or having one thrust on them through circumstance. (In this case, not the good kind of thrust.)
So how does a woman regain a sexual sense of self she never had? It’s easy to trot out terms like “self-love” and “self-discovery” but what do these ideas this actually mean? And how the heck are we supposed to sit through all those dates, looking for someone reasonably suitable to share something so primal with?
The act of sexual exploration takes on a different urgency after a long period of either abstinence or unsatisfying sex. When a woman has lived much of her life trying to be “pragmatic” before something awakens her, the stakes are high. As exciting as it is to pry ajar a Pandora’s box that has never been opened, when one has to do it with (shudder) another person, it can feel almost unbearably vulnerable.
So what does it mean to “heal” sexually? After a surfeit of unfulfilling experiences, with lovers who have failed to take the time to get underneath our desires and truly understand us, is it even possible to feel a sense of newness, through the jaded lens of the ways it can all go wrong? Where to begin?
You start with you, even if you don’t fully know, in this realm, who that you has become.
Start with the physical. Do you know that women also get erect when aroused? Here’s a handy little video to explain. Get the mirror out, put the coconut oil next to the bed, and even if you don’t have time for a full masturbation vacation today, get on familiar terms with your pussy. Forget what you’ve been taught about your most beautiful V and marvel at the internal/external glory that was designed for you to feel pleasure.
Now, read about sex. Sex-ed. Erotica. Classics like “The Story of O,” and almost anything by Anais Nin, most especially “Delta of Venus” and “Little Birds.” Or re-read. Treat your body and psyche like the greatest scientific mystery of all time and commence the experiments.
Watch porn, good and bad, what makes something good or bad to you? (Try Lady Cheeky and Let Me Do This To You, just not at work.) Write down fantasies that excite you. Pay attention to what’s happening in your body as you experience different scenarios in your imagination (again, hopefully not at work.) A strong reaction of any kind is to be heeded. Sometimes an instinctive revulsion is a sign that something lurks underneath that wants to be explored. Notice everything.
Look for patterns of arousal – “Hmmm I like when she kind of made him worship her” or “The way he touched her, it was like she was being used” or “When I see those women together I want to get between to feel their softness.” This is how we get current with what our bodies need at the present time, not what we pursued (or hesitated to) when we were twenty. This comes with the acceptance of the minds, bodies and hormonal conditions we now possess; witness the beauty of our patina, well worn and polished as it is by all of our experiences.
We can come to the realization that there is no such thing as a negative sexual urge, especially when one has spent a lifetime not allowing ourselves to act on them. What is needed is a true uncovering, one that entails being completely authentic about our wants and needs, without censorship, in all ways naked. We do not have to know why something makes us wet, it’s enough to know that it does. And sometimes the wetness can come from a jar by the bed, and that’s perfectly fine too.
Often clients express a frustration to me, the frustration of hindsight. They realize how many years they have spent in resignation, and begin to mourn the loss of it. Or perhaps, they just felt something scratching at the corners of their consciousness with a course grain, a sense that something was missing in the area of the sensual. It’s a joy to watch their joy as they give shape to a longing that previously had no form. It’s a process that can begin even before involving someone else, but paradoxically promises to magnetize exactly what we need, the way we’ve manifested results in other areas of our lives by being both intentional and specific.
We can hold space for whoever it is we have become in our own absence and, if we’re lucky, we can be even taught to do so by someone mirroring us in a way that makes us feel truly seen, sometimes for the very first time. This is what healing looks like, and sometimes it’s not cute, but filthy, messy, and carnal. What unpicks the strings of regret is finally trusting the truth of your own experience- it’s all okay, all valid, as long as it’s YOURS.
Meet Wes and Atticus, two new gentlemen who have joined us recently.
Susanna Brisk is a Sexual Intuitive® who coaches clients and couples on Skype to discover what they like, what they need, and how to get it. You can email her HERE.